I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
