I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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