Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
