i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
