You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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