I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
