I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We're too hungover to prance.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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