How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
