Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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