So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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