saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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