...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
