I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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