if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
