just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
