Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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