i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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