i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
