I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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