Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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