It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
i just google imaged poop.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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