saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
