i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
