oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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