If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
