not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
