Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
