John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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