pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
