Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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