Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
