even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She's like a pop up book from hell.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
