She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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