I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
