So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
