The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
