i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
