Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
