Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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