So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
