Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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