my mouth tastes like poor choices
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
