You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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