Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
