Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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