I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
