please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
