My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
