I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
