We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
